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Crouchometre Mania!

11 Apr

Given Redknapp had been saving Crouch for Europe (at least he’ll be champing at the bit… oh shi-) I didn’t have much hope for the big man but perhaps now he’ll be playing regularly and roboto dancing his way to the top of the Crouchometre.

Carroll did his part tonight, though there seems to be some doubt he even got a touch for his second. Could this be an asterix in the superscript of their goals tally? Add it to Suarez’s dubiously attributed first Liverpool goal and the Crouchster could be outscoring them 2 to 1.

One crouch to rule them all


Crouchometre Update

21 Mar

A sad day in the long and glorious history of the Crouchometre, the chasing pack of gnashers, lashers and manic pixie dream Spaniards have drawn level.

Although with Redknapp playing Crouch solely in the Champions league and Carroll staggering back to fitness it can’t be much of a surprise. Too bad I wasn’t craven enough to include Pavlyuchenko and Defoe on the Crouch team – they’d be romping it.

crouch outscores all

The World Famous Crouchometre! (part one)

16 Feb

As any Spurs fan knows Peter Crouch is the reason we’re not challenging for the premiership title, the reason there’s traffic congestion on match days and the reason we didn’t get that promotion at work – even though we were far and away the best candidate and have demonstrative levels of productivity way above that of Jeff and even Carl.

It’s completely outrageous, so we’ve introduced the Crouchometre to monitor Uriah Crouch’s contribution against Fernando Torres, Luis Suarez and Andy Carroll – all of whom we could’ve, would’ve, should’ve had!

peter crouch's goals

Bendtner suffers existential doubt

26 Nov

niklas bendtner is a donkey

Spurs Slash Fiction?

8 Nov

I got to thinking.  Does footballer Slash fiction exist?  It must do.  There’s nary a more homoerotic activity.  Dare I go look for some?  No.  Dare I speculate about what it might look like?  Of course.

Here I have inserted our players’ names into another popular slash-fiction – can you guess which?


GARETH BALE felt his leg.  It was broken.

‘We’re completely sealed in!’  MICHAEL DAWSON was frantically clawing at the rock.  ‘GARETH BALE it’s no use!  We’re going to die down here!’

‘Relax, we just need to stay calm, RAFAEL VAN DER VAART knows where we are.  If there’s anyone we can rely on it’s RAFAEL VAN DER VAART.’

‘You’re right.  You’re right.  Stay calm.  Stay calm.’

‘You are calm, yeah?  You’re not just freaking out quietly?’  GARETH BALE asked.

‘No.  I’m calm.  It’s just…’  MICHAEL DAWSON looked at GARETH BALE for a moment then looked away.

‘Just what?’

MICHAEL DAWSON finally turned to face him.  His ginger hair was a mess. ‘Just…’  He trailed off but raised his wand nervously.


GARETH BALE’s Gryffindor robes vanished in a flash and he was left completely naked.

‘What are you doing?!’

GARETH BALE raised his wand to undo the spell.

‘Expelliarmus!’  MICHAEL DAWSON sent GARETH BALE’s wand flying away across the cave before he could restore his robes.

The two friends looked at each other in stunned silence then MICHAEL DAWSON screwed his face up in horror at what he’d done.  GARETH BALE smiled.

‘It’s ok, it’s ok, I just had to know you were into this.’

‘What?  Huh?  I…?’  MICHAEL DAWSON stammered.

GARETH BALE beckoned him close.  ‘Come.’

MICHAEL DAWSON approached nervously. ‘You know, I can fix your leg.’

‘Leave it broken.’  GARETH BALE winked at his friend.

‘Ok, but just let me… Occulus reparo!’

GARETH BALE’s glasses clicked smartly back together, the crack gone.

‘Thanks.’  He whispered softly.  ‘I wouldn’t want to miss a thing.’